I am starting to refer to myself as the Therapist's Angel. I can't tell you how often I find myself answering questions about other people's therapy. Just yesterday two people asked me how they should break up with their therapists. In neither case had they told their therapists that they felt ready to end, or were dissatisfied with how things were progressing. When I asked why they hadn't brought this up with their therapists, they sheepishly realized that it had not occurred to them. Folks, I am here as your therapist's angel to say that this is the point of the therapeutic relationship. When possible, Just Say It. Obviously being direct is hard, and probably if it weren't, we wouldn't be in therapy. But it is- we want to protect others from hurt and disappointment. Most of us want to avoid conflict because somewhere along the way we learned that our bad feelings might be destructive or intolerable to others. Consider therapy a practice space for conflict. We are trained for this and we welcome your doubts and bad feelings. In fact, we welcome all feelings. That said, just because we welcome all feelings does not mean we will always be comfortable. Therapists are human and have all of their own experiences to contend with. Sometimes we may unintentionally say things or convey the message that something makes us uncomfortable. Well, you guessed it, say that too! If we invite you to express your disappointment in the therapy and then get defensive when you do, this is understandably discouraging. But the days of therapists' neutrality are long gone. We are people with feelings and not only is this not a bad thing, it is an essential part of the work. These reactions help us understand each other and working through them is what will help to transform all of your relationships. The measure of a good therapeutic relationship is not the absence of bad feeling, but rather how you work through bad feeling. If your therapist makes a mistake or makes you feel bad in some way, this is not in itself a problem. If your therapist cannot take responsibility for it or help you explore the feeling in a way that makes you feel safe, then you might have a problem.
Memory is overrated. Many of us live in a fantasy that we need to remember something in order for it to matter. It makes sense that we want this; it makes us feel more in control. What does it mean for us if things we don't remember matter? It is a disquieting reality. Suddenly we know a lot less and that can make us feel at sea. The good news is we are our memories. So while we may not remember specifics and details about what happened in our childhoods, we can understand the emotional impact because we live it everyday. The parts of ourselves that feel out of our control- the part that wakes up at 3 am and can't stop thinking about what we did wrong, the part that eats more and faster than we need to, the part that looks through our partner's phone, the part that feels anxious that someone is mad at us- these are our memories transposed on the present. Of course it would be helpful to remember where these feelings came from, but to focus on that may be a way for us to avoid feeling how much these experiences upset us. We all know when we are in states that feel like we are still children- this might be all we need to know. Our job, alone and with others, is to take care of these child parts of ourselves as if they were our own children. In essence, they are.
People throw the word love around. We love our parents, we love our children, we love our friends, we love our lovers. But what do we really mean? Moreover, do we really mean it?
Many people have professed to me that they don't always feel connected to what they mean when they say love. There is something shameful in this admission, but there doesn't have to be. In the buddhist tradition, it is widely accepted that to love others you must be able to see them as separate from yourself. This seems simple enough; you are over there and I am here, therefore we are separate. Not so fast. Relationships are complicated for this very reason. We often need the other person to be someone other than they are. This happens for many reasons: we don't like to see what we view as our weaknesses in someone else, we need the other person to be something we think we can't be, we think the other person reflects us. In general, as long as we engage in this kind of projection, our love is very confusing. It is based on our need of the other person rather than our appreciation of them. This can often lead us to feel disingenuous when we say 'love.' Our parents 'loved' us, to the degree that they could see us as separate people. Most people who come to therapy feel that in some way, they were not seen as separate from their parents, and that the love they felt from their parents was tinged with a quality of self-involvement. As a result, it is hard to know themselves, know their needs, know how to see themselves. This is a logical by-product of childhood, not a human failing. In order to truly love someone else as a separate being, we must first learn how to see and accept ourselves. This is not an easy task after so many years of hiding, but it is possible. Sometimes people come to therapy with a very clear problem. They lost a loved one, had a traumatic accident, are dealing with chronic illness, suffered physical or sexual abuse in their past. Though it is still hard for these people to take their suffering seriously, it can make it easier to be able to attribute suffering to an "event." There are still enormous barriers in these cases. People blame themselves, and still find many ways to minimize their suffering.
However, people who don’t feel that they have an “event” that caused their suffering can often have a harder time taking their feelings seriously. People say things like, “but people are starving in the world, how can I complain?” or, “It is not like I was abused or anything.” If you are in this camp, it can take a lot of support to believe that you are entitled to your bad feelings. You may need to hear over and over again that you are allowed to have your feelings before you can begin to understand why you have these feelings. As you have heard in many a self-help mantra- acceptance is the first step. Why is it so hard to legitimize our own suffering? This is a complicated question. In part, we live in a society that runs away from suffering. We see suffering as a weakness. We sensationalize suffering through reality shows like “Intervention” and “Hoarders” so that we come to believe that only extreme cases matter. Perhaps even more to the point, children have no choice but to believe that what they experienced in their childhood was “normal.” It is a matter of survival. It is not until later in life that we can start to question what was going on. We develop our characters around our early relationships, no matter what they were like. Growing up with conflict, a difficult sibling, emotionally remote parents, depressed or anxious parents, family secrets, or any other very common scenario, will have a huge impact on your future relationships with yourself and others. Because these conditions were internalized as “normal,” it is extremely challenging to unearth the suffering that they naturally cause. Often, in order to preserve our images of our childhood, we take our suffering on as our own fault. It must be due to some self-defect. Most of our parents were doing their best. But people are limited, and their limitations cause suffering in others. This is nothing to be ashamed of, or to deny. It is just part of being human. Own your suffering so that you can be in control of it, instead of letting it control you. I’ve heard it many times: “Why would I want to talk to a stranger when I can talk to a friend?” or “My mom and I talk about everything, why would I need a therapist?” of “I can figure this out myself.” These are logical and valid questions. Therapists are sometimes accused of thinking that everyone should be in therapy. I don’t believe this, though that is not to say that everyone couldn’t benefit from therapy. But how do YOU know if you should seek a therapist or just talk to a friend? Well, ask yourself the following questions:
Space Do you ever feel like you are taking up too much space if you talk too much about your problems? Does it ever feel uncomfortable to ask people to focus on your problems for too long? Do you stop yourself prematurely out of fear that they may be getting tired of listening to you? Do you quickly change the subject back to the other person? Honesty Do you ever feel like you are editing yourself when you talk to your friends? Do you stop yourself from saying things that you worry might make them feel bad? Do you sometimes feel like you are expected to “be” a certain way? Would you feel ashamed to admit certain things? Feedback Do you sometimes wonder if people’s responses are really about YOU? Do you suspect that people’s opinions and experiences get in the way of really listening to YOU? Do you sometimes just want people to listen and not just tell you what they think you should do? Feelings Does you ever feel a surge of frustration when someone responds to with their advice or sympathy? Do you ever ask yourself ‘why am I annoyed at this person who is trying to help me?’ (Sometimes when we talk to friends and family members, we get frustrated with their responses and we can respond in different ways. We can “stuff it” and not say anything, telling ourselves we should appreciate that they are trying to help. Or we can lash out and snap at this person who feels they are trying to help. Neither of these responses builds relationships or trust.) If you answered yes to some of the above questions, you are in very good company. It is incredibly challenging to let ourselves get the support we deserve. Our patterns are so deep and familiar that sometimes we don’t even notice them. We just think that everyone lives the way we do. While listening and staying present for other people seems intuitive, it is not. Therapists are trained to listen and observe in specific ways that help you understand your patterns and rework them. Please feel free to contact me with any other questions.
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AuthorI am a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan and Brooklyn Archives
December 2015
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