Sometimes people come to therapy with a very clear problem. They lost a loved one, had a traumatic accident, are dealing with chronic illness, suffered physical or sexual abuse in their past. Though it is still hard for these people to take their suffering seriously, it can make it easier to be able to attribute suffering to an "event." There are still enormous barriers in these cases. People blame themselves, and still find many ways to minimize their suffering.
However, people who don’t feel that they have an “event” that caused their suffering can often have a harder time taking their feelings seriously. People say things like, “but people are starving in the world, how can I complain?” or, “It is not like I was abused or anything.”
If you are in this camp, it can take a lot of support to believe that you are entitled to your bad feelings. You may need to hear over and over again that you are allowed to have your feelings before you can begin to understand why you have these feelings. As you have heard in many a self-help mantra- acceptance is the first step.
Why is it so hard to legitimize our own suffering? This is a complicated question. In part, we live in a society that runs away from suffering. We see suffering as a weakness. We sensationalize suffering through reality shows like “Intervention” and “Hoarders” so that we come to believe that only extreme cases matter.
Perhaps even more to the point, children have no choice but to believe that what they experienced in their childhood was “normal.” It is a matter of survival. It is not until later in life that we can start to question what was going on. We develop our characters around our early relationships, no matter what they were like. Growing up with conflict, a difficult sibling, emotionally remote parents, depressed or anxious parents, family secrets, or any other very common scenario, will have a huge impact on your future relationships with yourself and others. Because these conditions were internalized as “normal,” it is extremely challenging to unearth the suffering that they naturally cause.
Often, in order to preserve our images of our childhood, we take our suffering on as our own fault. It must be due to some self-defect. Most of our parents were doing their best. But people are limited, and their limitations cause suffering in others. This is nothing to be ashamed of, or to deny. It is just part of being human. Own your suffering so that you can be in control of it, instead of letting it control you.
However, people who don’t feel that they have an “event” that caused their suffering can often have a harder time taking their feelings seriously. People say things like, “but people are starving in the world, how can I complain?” or, “It is not like I was abused or anything.”
If you are in this camp, it can take a lot of support to believe that you are entitled to your bad feelings. You may need to hear over and over again that you are allowed to have your feelings before you can begin to understand why you have these feelings. As you have heard in many a self-help mantra- acceptance is the first step.
Why is it so hard to legitimize our own suffering? This is a complicated question. In part, we live in a society that runs away from suffering. We see suffering as a weakness. We sensationalize suffering through reality shows like “Intervention” and “Hoarders” so that we come to believe that only extreme cases matter.
Perhaps even more to the point, children have no choice but to believe that what they experienced in their childhood was “normal.” It is a matter of survival. It is not until later in life that we can start to question what was going on. We develop our characters around our early relationships, no matter what they were like. Growing up with conflict, a difficult sibling, emotionally remote parents, depressed or anxious parents, family secrets, or any other very common scenario, will have a huge impact on your future relationships with yourself and others. Because these conditions were internalized as “normal,” it is extremely challenging to unearth the suffering that they naturally cause.
Often, in order to preserve our images of our childhood, we take our suffering on as our own fault. It must be due to some self-defect. Most of our parents were doing their best. But people are limited, and their limitations cause suffering in others. This is nothing to be ashamed of, or to deny. It is just part of being human. Own your suffering so that you can be in control of it, instead of letting it control you.