Space Do you ever feel like you are taking up too much space if you talk too much about your problems? Does it ever feel uncomfortable to ask people to focus on your problems for too long? Do you stop yourself prematurely out of fear that they may be getting tired of listening to you? Do you quickly change the subject back to the other person?
Honesty Do you ever feel like you are editing yourself when you talk to your friends? Do you stop yourself from saying things that you worry might make them feel bad? Do you sometimes feel like you are expected to “be” a certain way? Would you feel ashamed to admit certain things?
Feedback Do you sometimes wonder if people’s responses are really about YOU? Do you suspect that people’s opinions and experiences get in the way of really listening to YOU? Do you sometimes just want people to listen and not just tell you what they think you should do?
Feelings Does you ever feel a surge of frustration when someone responds to with their advice or sympathy? Do you ever ask yourself ‘why am I annoyed at this person who is trying to help me?’
(Sometimes when we talk to friends and family members, we get frustrated with their responses and we can respond in different ways. We can “stuff it” and not say anything, telling ourselves we should appreciate that they are trying to help. Or we can lash out and snap at this person who feels they are trying to help. Neither of these responses builds relationships or trust.)
If you answered yes to some of the above questions, you are in very good company. It is incredibly challenging to let ourselves get the support we deserve. Our patterns are so deep and familiar that sometimes we don’t even notice them. We just think that everyone lives the way we do.
While listening and staying present for other people seems intuitive, it is not. Therapists are trained to listen and observe in specific ways that help you understand your patterns and rework them. Please feel free to contact me with any other questions.