Remember when a parent might have said this to you? "Settle down!" Or if we were lucky, they might have said it without the exclamation point, in a calming hushed tone. But did someone ever help you settle down? Many of us might have been told to settle down, but lacked the guidance and comfort to actually settle down. Perhaps this is why we are currently experiencing a cultural surge of mindfulness meditation and yoga. We need help settling down. How did we become so overly alert? Why did our minds and bodies get so activated? Obviously there is no one answer to these questions. But in a general sense, we need a basic feeling of safety that things will be okay. If we didn't get this "safe feeling" pathway grooved into us when we were young, we are left trying to dig that groove as adults. What kinds of factors might have made us feel unsafe? It could have been anything from the more overt issues of poverty, physical abuse or an addicted parent, to the more subtle issues of an anxious-depressed parent, or a self-involved parent who couldn't really respond to our needs. When we have grown up in these kinds of conditions, our minds and bodies kick in to make sure we feel safe. It becomes our job to be on high alert. Later in life we take sleep aids, we anxiously make to-do lists, we develop fears that help us feel in control, all in the often fruitless effort to settle down. The newsflash here is that we need actual comfort to settle down, and all these strategies we developed aren't actual comforts, they are coping mechanisms for a kind of basic anxiety. We are never too old to learn how to receive comfort from others and learn to comfort ourselves, but don't get discouraged if you find it harder than you expect. These are deep and historic grooves.
7 Comments
12/19/2016 03:21:35 am
the best ways to express your feelings towards your boyfriend is to spend the most time with her and understand her wishes and interests.
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3/5/2017 12:46:32 am
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3/13/2017 05:39:42 am
Wow! this post is really amazing and I appreciate the work
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4/29/2017 12:38:22 pm
These are the realities of life which are discussed here. Agree with your point of views. I only want to say that endurance and patience can make our life easy. So bear the burdens of life in a very humble way, the good time will come soon.
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6/3/2017 05:09:23 am
I like this site and article as well..Thanks for posting such good content..I appreciate the work done and its cool
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AuthorI am a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan and Brooklyn Archives
December 2015
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